Changing Your Perspective: The Leadership Superpower
- Alex Khachaturian
- Aug 25
- 7 min read
Updated: Sep 12
Most problems don’t blow up because of bad hardware. They blow up because of bad head-ware, that split second when ego grabs the wheel, insists on being right, and shuts down your ability to see what the other person sees. I’m not talking about feel-good posters about empathy. I’m talking about a repeatable skill: changing your perspective on command, parking your ego long enough to borrow someone else’s lens and make a better decision, faster.
When you do this well, two things happen immediately:
Tension drops.
Options multiply.
That’s the “superpower” nobody teaches in technical training. It works in 1:1s, on job sites, in conflict, and at home when the kitchen turns into a war zone over who forgot to buy coffee. It’s portable, learnable, and yes, your whole team can do it.
This is the playbook I wish I had a decade ago.
Why Ego Makes Smart People Slow (and Wrong)
Ego isn’t swagger. Ego is attachment, to your idea, your status as “the expert,” your need to win the room. Attachment narrows your field of view, and narrow view = bad inputs = clumsy decisions.
Symptoms your ego is driving:
You rehearse your next line while they’re talking.
You “clarify” by repeating your point louder.
You only notice details that support your plan.
You’re more interested in being understood than understanding.
None of that makes you evil, it makes you human. But if you’re the lead, owner, or senior tech, that ego tax hits everyone. Changing your perspective is how you stop paying interest on bad assumptions.
Perspective-Taking in Plain English
Perspective-taking isn’t “agreeing” or “giving in.” It’s modeling how the world looks from their side long enough to:
Understand incentives, fears, and constraints
Identify the real decision in front of you
Pick a path that survives contact with reality
It’s the difference between “Why won’t Ops stop overriding?” and “They override because the schedule doesn’t match occupancy, the alarms are noisy, and they’re the ones getting yelled at when it’s 78°F.”
One sentence changes everything.
The Ego-Off Switch (use it mid-conversation)
When you feel heat, jaw tight, heart rate up, run this sequence:
Name it (in your head).“Ego’s up. I want to win.”
Ask the centering question. “What would this look like through their eyes?”
Steal their constraints. “If I had their KPIs, risk, and boss, what would I be worried about?”
Reflect first, decide second. “Here’s what I think you’re saying and why it matters to you. Did I get it?”
Share the plan in their language. Tie actions to what they care about (comfort, SLA, budget, optics).
This takes 90 seconds once you practice. It’s the highest-leverage minute and a half in leadership.
Field Scenarios (how it sounds when you do it right)
1) The Operator Override
Ego’s take: “They keep messing up my programming.”
Perspective take: “They’re protecting comfort with the tools they have.”
Say this: “Sounds like the schedule misses real occupancy and the alarms punish you for letting the system breathe. If we start occupied 30 minutes earlier and add a 10-minute high-static delay, would you feel safe releasing overrides?”
2) The PM Who “Moves the Goalposts”
Ego’s take: “They’re indecisive.”
Perspective take: “Their VP changed scope; they’re shielding the team.”
Say this: “I’m hearing late scope from above hitting your timeline. If we freeze this sprint’s must-haves and push the nice-to-haves, you still make Friday. Deal?”
3) The Junior Tech Who Skips Steps
Ego’s take: “I already taught this.”
Perspective take: “They’re overwhelmed and afraid to ask ‘dumb’ questions.”
Say this: “Looks like you skipped EOL/bias and jumped to the tool. That’s normal under pressure. Let’s run the 20-minute Ranger Check together twice, then you own it next call.”
4) Finance Won’t Approve the Better Sensor
Ego’s take: “They don’t get it.”
Perspective take: “They answer to budget and optics.”
Say this: “If we spend $X more now, we eliminate $Y/year in callbacks and $Z in energy. Payback is nine months. Want the short deck to send upstairs, or should I present it?”
5) The Angry Customer
Ego’s take: “They’re unreasonable.”
Perspective take: “They feel unheard; escalation is how they get attention.”
Say this: “You’ve had to repeat yourself. Here’s what I captured from your last three tickets and what changes by Friday. If we miss, you’ll hear it from me first.”
Not therapy, better engineering of people.
MAP Framework: Meaning → Alignment → Plan
Keep your ego out of the driver’s seat with MAP:
Meaning: What does this mean to them? (Status, safety, schedule, money, trust.)
Alignment: Where do our needs overlap? (Comfort & cost, speed & quality.)
Plan: What’s the smallest next step that honors both? (Owner, Definition of Done, Date.)
No alignment? You’re negotiating fantasies. Find overlap or redesign the ask.
The 5-Minute Perspective Drill (daily)
Pick one tense thread from today.
Write their job title, KPIs, praise/punish levers.
Write three sentences from their perspective.
Draft one ask in their language with Owner/DoD/Date.
Send it.
Do this five days in a row. You’ll argue 50% less and ship 30% more.
Language Swaps That Disarm Ego
From: “Why did you…? ”To: “What constraints were you balancing?”
From: “We already tried that.” To: “What would make that idea work this time?”
From: “You’re wrong.” To: “I’m looking at X; you’re seeing Y. What are we missing?”
From: “Calm down.” To: “This clearly matters. Tell me the part that must not fail.”
From: “Here’s the fix. ”To: “Two options with tradeoffs. Which fits your world?”
Words are handles. Choose ones people can pick up.
The 30-Day Perspective Challenge (team version)
Week 1 — See It
Start meetings with Meaning: one sentence on why this matters to you.
Pair roles; each person states the other’s goal before stating their own.
Week 2 — Say It
Use Reflect-Ask: reflect the last point in one sentence, then ask a clarifier.
Track interruptions. Lowest interrupter buys coffee.
Week 3 — Share It
Run Steelman & Solve: present the best version of the view you disagree with, then offer your plan.
Leaders speak last in 1:1s.
Week 4 — Ship It
Every decision includes Owner / Definition of Done / Date.
Retro: “Where did perspective change the outcome?”
By Day 30, fights turn into design sessions.
“What If They’re Actually Wrong?”
Sometimes facts aren’t on their side. Perspective still pays.
Acknowledge the aim. “You’re protecting uptime.”
Show the constraint. “At this flow, we can’t hold ΔT.”
Offer choices. “Throttle here (risk X) or add a valve (cost Y). Which pain do we prefer?”
Decide together. Adults pick tradeoffs. Respect that.
Being right is cheap. Being right together is leadership.
Remote & Text-Only: Where Ego Loves to Hide
Assume tone is misread. Write shorter, slower.
Use bullets, not walls of text.
Reflect the ask once: “So you want A by B, done = C?”
Default to video for conflict. Faces beat “clarifying” emails.
Put the plan in the doc, not your memory.
You don’t win email. You win outcomes.
Micro-Habits That Keep the Door Open
Phone out of sight in 1:1s. Presence is step one.
Two-Minute Rule before responding, let them finish.
One-Sentence Mirror: “So the core is ___ because ___?”
Ask tradeoffs: “What would you pay to get X?”
Breathe 4-in/6-out when heat rises. Oxygen before opinions.
End with Owner/DoD/Date. Listening without action kills trust.
KPIs for Perspective (measure it)
Decision cycle time (meeting → decision).
Rework rate (how many “do overs”).
Escalations per month (should drop).
Pulse: “My manager listens first” (target 8/10+).
Interruptions (down) and clarifying questions (up).
If numbers don’t move, ego’s still snacking.
Field Story: The Day I Was “Right” and Still Losing
We were arguing an economizer strategy. I had the math, the trends, and the standard. Ops wasn’t buying it. Old me would’ve doubled down.
Instead, I ran the Ego-Off Switch:
“What matters most to you?” “No cold calls at 7 a.m.”
“What must not fail?” “Warm-up before staff arrives.”
“If we start occupied 30 minutes earlier on east zones and add a 15-minute high-static delay, will you test the new curve for a week?”
They said yes. We made the change that day. Complaints dropped, energy fell, and the fight evaporated. Same data. New lens.
Troubleshooting People Like Equipment (fun, but true)
When you fix a VAV, you don’t yell at the damper. You check the sequence, sensors, actuation, and load. Perspective-taking is the human version:
Sequence: What process are they following?
Sensor: What information are they seeing (or missing)?
Actuation: What power do they actually have?
Load: What pressure are they under?
Tune those, then tune your tone.
Recommended Gear
Kindle Scribe (with Premium Pen)
Buy it: Kindle Scribe
Best for: Long-form reading + handwritten 1:1 notes you can export and feed to ChatGPT for fast, accurate summaries.
What you’ll get: An Amazon e-ink reader with pen input; convert handwriting to text, export PDFs, and keep your eyes fresh during long days.
How to use it: Jot notes during conversations → export to email/Drive → paste or upload to ChatGPT with “Summarize meaning, constraints, and Owner/DoD/Date.”
Field Tip: Create a “Perspective” notebook with pages titled Meaning | Alignment | Plan so your exports are structured for prompting.
Pro Tip: After each 1:1, send a two-line recap from your Scribe notes—trust skyrockets when people feel heard.
Recommended Books
Thanks for the Feedback
Written by: Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen
Best for: Hearing what you don’t want to hear, without getting defensive.
What you’ll get: The three triggers that derail listening (truth, relationship, identity) and a toolkit to keep perspective open.
How to use it: Ask one person for a coaching point; repeat it back word-for-word before responding.
Field Tip: Label which trigger hit you in tough moments; pick a response on purpose.
Pro Tip: Separate appreciation, coaching, and evaluation so signals don’t get scrambled.
Never Split the Difference
Written by: Chris Voss
Best for: Tactical empathy under pressure, mirrors, labels, and calibrated questions that lower defenses.
What you’ll get: Practical phrasing to surface real constraints and reach “That’s right.”
How to use it: Practice “It sounds like…” labels in your next negotiation or 1:1.
Field Tip: Aim for one “That’s right” per important meeting; it signals true understanding.
Pro Tip: Use “How am I supposed to do that?” to reveal hidden levers without sounding combative.
Ego Is the Enemy
Written by: Ryan Holiday
Best for: Spotting where pride and attachment quietly wreck your best work.
What you’ll get: Stories and practices for ambition, success, and failure that reduce ego’s grip.
How to use it: Identify one decision you’re slowing because you want to be right; delegate it with clear guardrails.
Field Tip: Keep a “didn’t need to be me” log for a week to retrain your ownership reflex.
Pro Tip: Replace credit-seeking with scoreboard-seeking, measure outcomes, not applause.
Final Thought
Setting your ego aside isn’t self-erasure. It’s precision. Borrow someone else’s lens, get better inputs, make better calls, build trust. Next hard meeting, try this: Name the ego. Ask for their constraints. Reflect in one sentence. Ship a small plan that honors both sides. Do that for a month and you’ll wonder why you ever tried to lead any other way.
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