You’re Not a Bad Leader, You’re a Bad Listener: Active Listening in Leadership
- Alex Khachaturian
- Jul 26
- 7 min read
Updated: Sep 14
Most leaders think they’re good listeners.
Most are wrong.
We confuse hearing with listening because the words are landing in our ears while our brain is somewhere else, planning a reply, checking a notification, or rehearsing a counterpoint. Then we wonder why trust erodes, projects wobble, and people stop telling us the truth.
Here’s the blunt version: if you’re not giving full attention, you are giving a message, “You’re not the most important thing here.” It’s not loud, but it’s deafening. And it quietly wrecks outcomes.
I learned this the hard way. A mentor pulled me aside years ago and said,
“If you can’t put yourself in their shoes, you’ll never lead them.”
I was multitasking during 1:1's, email open, phone face-up, mind in five places. I told myself I was “efficient.” What my team experienced was distance.
Today, when I catch attention drifting, I ask: Would I be okay if someone did this while I was talking? The answer is always no. Leadership is influence. Influence starts with trust. Trust starts with your attention.
This is a practical playbook for active listening in leadership, what to do, what to stop, and how to build it into your operating rhythm so you don’t burn out trying to “be present” all day.
What Listening Isn’t (and why it fools smart leaders)
Not note-taking with your mouth. Repeating words back isn’t the same as understanding.
Not waiting to talk. Holding your counterpoint is still attention on you, not them.
Not “got it.” A nod without reflection or follow-up action is theater.
Not empathy theater. Saying “I hear you” while defending your plan is still a defense.
Why we get fooled: you can fake listening for a minute. You can’t fake it for a quarter. Over time, people calibrate to how you treat their words, not what you say about listening.
What Active Listening Is (simple and rigorous)
Active listening in leadership = Presence → Understanding → Alignment → Action. In order:
Presence: Your attention is undivided (no phone, no inbox, no multitask).
Understanding: You reflect the meaning of what was said (not just the words).
Alignment: You clarify expectations, constraints, and definitions of done.
Action: You agree on next steps with owners and dates.
Miss a step and you’re back to guesswork.
The Business Cost of Half-Listening
Rework: People deliver to the assumption they think you made.
Silence: Teams stop bringing problems when they learn you’re not actually hearing them.
Hidden risk: You miss the weak signals (tone, hesitation, context) that surface issues early.
Slow meetings: Debates loop because no one feels heard enough to move.
Listening is not “soft.” It’s risk detection, scope control, and velocity.
The Five Levels of Listening (climb one rung)
Hearing – sound hits ears.
Checking – “Did I get that right?” (basic echo).
Reflecting – “It sounds like your worry is X because Y.”
Empathic – “Given X, I can see why Y would be frustrating.”
Generative – “If Y is true, a better path might be Z. What would make Z workable?”
Target Levels 3–5 in leadership conversations. Levels 1–2 are for a noisy shop floor, not for hard problems.
A Simple Framework: L.E.A.D.
Use this live, in any 1:1 or tough conversation.
Listen without interruption (at least 60–120 seconds).
Echo meaning, not words: “You’re saying ___ because ___.”
Ask one clarifier: “What would ‘good’ look like on Friday?”
Decide next step with owner + date.
One minute of real listening saves one week of rework.
Tactics That Work in the Real World
Smart Phone Hygiene
Out of sight in every 1:1 and team convo. Not face down; away.
Turn off badges on desktop. Your eyes follow red dots like a magnet.
The Two-Minute Rule
Let them finish for 120 seconds before you speak. You’ll be shocked how often the real issue shows up in minute two.
Reflect in One Sentence
Use: “So the core issue is ___ because ___; you need ___ by ___.” Short forces clarity.
Ask, Don’t Fix (at first)
Try: “What have you already tried?” and “What would make this 20% better this week?” Coaching > rescuing.
Name the Constraint
If budgets/time/policy cap options, say it. People open up when reality is visible.
Close the Loop Publicly
End with: Owner, DoD, Date in your SSOT (single source of truth). Listening without action kills trust.
Question Bank (use these verbatim)
“What does ‘done’ look like to you?”
“What’s the smallest next step?”
“What’s the real trade-off we’re not saying out loud?”
“If this slips, what breaks first?”
“Whose input would change your mind?”
“What does support look like without me taking it over?”
“What did I miss?”
One-Week Listening Sprint (do this exactly)
Day 1 (Reset your environment)
Phone out of sight; kill desktop badges.
Add a sticky note to your laptop: Listen → Reflect → Ask → Decide.
Pick two meetings this week to record/notes and self-review (how often did you interrupt?).
Day 2 (1:1s)
Two-minute rule.
Close each 1:1 with: “So you’ll own ___; done = ___; due ___.”
Send a 2-line recap via your SSOT.
Day 3 (Team)
Start with a round-robin (one minute each) before open discussion.
Park side topics (create a “Parking Lot” line item and own it later).
Day 4 (Hard Conversation)
L.E.A.D. script.
Ask: “What would make this feel fair?” (You may not agree; you’ll learn constraints.)
Day 5 (Feedback Friday)
Ask two people: “How’s my listening this week, what’s one thing to keep, one to change?”
Do one of the changes immediately.
Weekend
Re-read your notes. Where did you guess? Where did you clarify? Adjust next week’s plan.
Remote/Hybrid Tips (where listening dies fastest)
Cameras on for 1:1s; it’s not about appearances, it’s micro-signals.
Silence counting: after a question, count to three. Remote gaps feel longer; don’t fill them.
Shared doc open: live capture Owner/DoD/Date as you talk.
Small rooms: Break into 3–4 person rooms for 10 minutes, then reconvene, everyone speaks.
How to Know It’s Working (simple KPIs)
Repetition drops: Fewer “as I said last week” moments.
Cycle time: Decisions move in fewer meetings.
Escalations: Downward trend; issues surface earlier in the chain.
Pulse checks: Two teammates voluntarily bring you “bad news” this month (that’s a trust win).
Why Active Listening in Leadership Feels Hard (and how to survive it)
Because your reaction muscle is stronger than your curiosity muscle. Because everything else pays you for speed. Here’s the fix:
Pre-brief yourself: “Today I’m here to learn first, decide second.”
Breathe: 4-in/6-out through your nose while they talk. It quiets the urge to jump.
Write verbatim: One sentence they just said. If you can’t, you weren’t listening.
Schedule bandwidth: No back-to-backs for your heavy 1:1s, give yourself 10 minutes to summarize and send.
Scripts (keep these in your pocket)
When you realize you cut someone off
“I stepped on you, finish your thought?”
When someone spirals
“Let me check I’ve got it: the core is A, and B makes it worse. Did I miss anything important?”
When you must disagree
“I see it differently. Want to hear my constraint?”
When a meeting is stuck
“I’m going to summarize options A/B/C. Which one gets us 80% there this week?”
A Mini-Workshop You Can Run Tomorrow (30 minutes)
5 min — Define listening vs hearing; share L.E.A.D.
10 min — Triads practice (speaker, listener, observer). Listeners must reflect in one sentence before asking one question.
10 min — Rotate roles; observers score interruptions and clarity.
5 min — Debrief: what unlocked better answers?
Do this once a month. Your culture changes.
Make It Stick (system > heroics)
Bake Owner/DoD/Date into every meeting template.
Add “Reflect in one sentence” to your 1:1 checklist.
Track interruption count for yourself (it will drop if you measure it).
Add a monthly Listening Retro: what we learned by slowing down.
Recommended Books
The Coaching Habit
Written by: Michael Bungay Stanier
Best for: Breaking the advice-giving reflex so you actually coach.
What you’ll get: Seven simple questions that turn conversations from answers to ownership.
How to use it: This week (45–60 min): Pick two questions (“What’s the real challenge for you?” “And what else?”). Use in every 1:1.
Field drill: Track how many minutes you talk vs. them. Aim for 20/80.
Pro tip: Put the seven questions on a desk card.
Crucial Conversations
Written by: Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler
Best for: Staying present when stakes are high and emotions are hot.
What you’ll get: Tools to make it safe to speak, surface facts vs stories, and move to action.
How to use it: This week (45–60 min): Before a tough convo, write: facts, story, desired outcome. Open with facts first.
Field drill: End the meeting with “Who does what by when?”
Pro tip: When you feel triggered, describe impact, not intent.
Thanks for the Feedback
Written by: Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen
Best for: Hearing feedback without getting defensive, and drawing out better input.
What you’ll get: The three triggers that derail listening and how to control them.
How to use it: This week (45–60 min): Ask a peer for one coaching point; repeat it back word-for-word before responding.
Field drill: Label which trigger hit you (truth, relationship, identity) and re-center.
Pro tip: Separate appreciation, coaching, and evaluation, don’t blur the channels.
Final Thought
You don’t need to become a monk. You need a system. Put your phone away. Give people two minutes. Reflect in one sentence. Ask one clarifying question. Decide the next step with an owner and a date.
Do this for a week and you’ll hear things your title has been muting for years. Do it for a month and your team will start telling you the truth before the fire starts.
That’s active listening in leadership, and it’s the least expensive upgrade you’ll ever make.
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